


not.

by orange_cow



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: (a little dard i think?), (but it ends well?), Freeform, Light Angst, M/M, What this is, i haven't written anything like this before, i suppose-, i 👉👈, idk why this is even here, really don't know, this is a collection of spontaneous experiments, this is me dumping trash thank you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:08:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orange_cow/pseuds/orange_cow
Summary: 'I scream I scream I scream, I yell.In the confines of my head.For what's the point of screaming aloud,If the screams go unheard, even though they hear them.They hear me, but never listen.'
Relationships: Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Comments: 22
Kudos: 31





	1. to try.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're here reading this, i- wow.
> 
> Be nice to me i've never done this before 🥺
> 
> Thank you.

  
He breathed out a sob.

Heaved a little sigh, a soft one, he made sure.

It was all going to be fine.

Then cried a little more-

_just a tiny bit_ , he promised himself.

_ Why was everything so hard?  _

The world looked fuzzy.

Nothing made sense, as much as he tried.

He had always tried, 

He was; always trying.

But more often than not, he failed.

After a point it seemed futile.

_ Why try? _

_ Why try in the first place if a failure is what you're going to be? _

No. Trying was good. Everybody wouldn't always be saying it if it weren't.

You _had to_ try, right? 

But it was, _incredibly_ hard.

Harder than what everybody had told him.

'You will fall' they said.

'You have to get back up' they said.

  
  
If only it were as easy. "getting back up"

'Keep trying.' they said.

Another tear trickled down.

He observed the darkness diffuse, on the hem of his shirt.

He observed keenly, 

Watched the wetness disseminate, until

A pair of eyes, looked into his.

' _It's alright'_ they seemed to say.

_ 'It's okay to fall. _

_ It's okay to try and fail. _

_ It's okay to try again. _

_ It's okay, for a moment, to stop trying. _

_ It's alright, to let yourself break. _

_ To start trying again when you feel stronger._

_ or, to let go completely. _

_ to be easy on yourself. _

_ To be kind to yourself. _

_ To pause, stop. breathe. and stare. _ _ ' _

They looked at him, as if they held in them,

Nothing but love.

Asked nothing in return, for the love or trust.

As if to say,

He was loved, treasured, revered,

By the universe.

He was special.

And there would be someone by him, 

through everything.

Not making it easier, necessarily.

But being by him anyway, while he tried.

To make, the process of trying; 

a little less painful,

a little more peaceful.

And that, at least for now,

Would be enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to expand on the aman childhood arc from my previous fic so i wrote this.
> 
> it's in foetus aman's pov hope you like it 🥺.

_I scream I scream I scream_ , I yell.

In the confines of my head.

For what's the point of screaming aloud,

If the screams go unheard, even though they hear them.

They hear me, but never listen.

I cry , I sob.

In the safety of my bed.

I rip the sheets apart.

_ I'm scared.  _

I'm scared of throwing a pen.

What if they hear me?

What if they hear me and then not listen?

_I'm wrong, I'm worthless_ , I tell myself.

_Why me?_ I ask myself.

_Wrong_. It's wrong to ask that. 

_ I'm stupid. _

But the question pops in my head again.

I considered him my friend. 

My first friend, my favourite classmate, my first love,

He had been all of them.

I did not expect from him, a disgusted stare.

I stare at my hands. 

_ Ashamed ashamed ashamed. _

I'm ashamed of myself.

_ Does anybody care?  _

_ Will anybody ever care? _

I don't know.

_ Do I deserve care? _

_ Do I deserve love? _

I don't know.

"Yes." He says to me.

My best friend, my favourite person, my first _lover_.

_I deserve love, just like everybody else_ , he says.

Even from myself.

_Even from myself,_ I repeat in my head.

_ I deserve care, I deserve love, I deserve a friend. _

He says to me. I listen.

I _listen_.

For the first time, I hear myself.

I listen to myself.

I love myself.

I am proud of myself.

_Thank you, my lover_ , 

For loving me enough for the both of us.

For waiting, until I learnt to love me back.

For being patient, until I stopped screaming.

For lending a ear, until I finished speaking.

For embracing my wounds, until I learnt to embrace them too.

Thank you, 

For being my lover, my friend, my confidant, my love.

Thank you.

Your love was strong.

It was strong enough that it taught me how to love.

Thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd love some feedback 🥺


	3. stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again i'm only experimenting. 🥺

Let me stay, my love.

Let me stay a little longer.

Don't ask me to leave.

Let me try, just this last,

To be there for you.

To give it my all.

I'm scared, I'm so scared.

But I know, my heart will shatter,

Like shards of glass, and pierce

Through every muscle, every bone of my body.

If I turn away today.

Let me bear this pain instead.

Let me face my fears today.

I'm not a child anymore.

A blacksmith's son, is what I am.

A _son_. That's all I'm trying to be.

My love, you don't have to look.

It hurts, I know _you_ hurt more.

You don't have to look, my love.

You don't have to prove your strength.

You don't have to prove your love.

I understand, love.

I understand your fears.

I understand your inhibitions.

I understand your love the same.

It shows in the way you softly smile.

It shows.

It shows in the way you, fear for my life.

It shows in the way you push your deepest fears aside,

and take a stand.

It shows, in every breath, every word, every brush of skin.

It shows in the way you caress my scars.

It shows in the way you rever them.

You don't have to prove anything, my love.

You never did.

I wish I could be there for you, more often.

I wish I could have been there all along.

I wish I could stand proud and taut, always, 

by your side.

I wish you knew you deserved it, you always did.

I wish I could just hold you, now and forever.

But I'm here now, and I'm not leaving.

I won't leave, Aman Tripathi, even if you beg me to.

I know you're scared that I will,

But I got my colours on my back, and I believe in their strength.

I believe in the strength of love.

You're so strong, my love, that it gives me my strength.

Look, a tear, crystal soft,

Rolls down your cheek.

You don't have to look.

It hurts too much.

Look away, look away, my love.

Sometimes my strength, tends to become my infirmity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd love some feedback 🥺

**Author's Note:**

> ig i'm just gonna keep dumping random stuff in here if i feel like it.


End file.
